I know everyone has their own stories to march with.
These stories take us to different places, they give us something, and they block something in us…
Life number one.
It’s the end of June 1992. A beautiful, energetic day, heralding the beginning of the holidays and the long-awaited return of Dad from a business trip. Three months without him drag on unbearably. Today he arrives.
When I last spoke to him on the phone, he said he would be there in two days, but it’s been four. I walk out the window and back, and in the meantime I try to do something to kill the time. I feel like I miss him and I plan to tell him that it’s a bad idea to travel so long. I’m not alone.
My mother, eight-year-old sister and boxer are our whole world. Maybe, as well, my father’s FSO Polonez, at that time one of the few achievements of Polish motoring. In any case, for our professional driver it was the peak of dreams.
Life takes place between an apartment in a Nowa Huta block, a housing estate tentatively called the Bronx, which records the incredible stories of its inhabitants, and the backyard – the center of entertainment, education and internal affairs.
We eat dinner in the kitchen at a table. The window is wide open, and as always, we can see the opposite gate and a huge chestnut tree. Dinner is interrupted by a telephone, a red ‘Brass’ on a dial, hanging on a wainscoted wall. Mom answers the phone, greets Auntie warmly, then falls silent and freezes. She barely puts the receiver down and says in a broken voice that Dad probably had an accident.
Life number two.
From then on I move on to life number two. From the next dozen or so months I only remember pain, regret, longing, sadness and anger. This was also the time when I was finishing primary school and wondering what to do next. The days were very different. At that time I thought that I did not deserve what happened to me, that it punished me the most in the world and that my story had no right to happen. To help my mother, together with her friends and neighbours we took up a cottage industry, which was becoming available in Poland. From sewing doll clothes and folding pens, we chose gluing A4 envelopes. In the evenings and at night we produced stacks of envelopes from huge sheets that were delivered to us. For such a stack, which reached from the ground to my waist, we received 9 złoty.
I was totally tired and pissed off. I glued those envelopes and thought to myself that there must be another way. I honestly hated that job. To this day I feel nauseous when I see A4 envelopes or smell the glue and only one association.
I was fifteen, quite lost in the world and still unaware of who I was, what I wanted, what I was allowed to do and what I was capable of. I relied heavily on adults who told me to be strong, help, take care of my sister, not to whine and to study hard. I took that to heart. However, I didn’t check what it said…
At that time I wanted it to be 30 years later. I imagined that after that time my life would be different, better, I would be different, far enough away from what happened.
I needed a safe place and a job. I had a dream to go to art school, but I left my dreams in the underground parking lot, along with the rest of me… and for a long time. I rolled up my sleeves and got ready to work. I didn’t have a plan, nor did I ask for help. I was prepared for a lot. I wanted to do a lot to fill my gaps, because I felt very deficient…
I passed my exams for high school in Krakow, to the first so-called lecture class with English. An experiment. To say that my English was pathetic at that time – is an understatement, and I had to learn all the subjects in English.
Our homeroom teacher, who was also an English teacher, made us sweat like crazy, and I felt like I was seventeen. I barely passed the first year, but I felt that she knew what she was doing and strongly believed in me.
Every day she consistently pushed my limits, proved that I could and do achieve my goals. When I wasn’t sure if I could handle it, she used to say:
“Don’t look outside; everything you need is inside you”.
At that time I didn’t know yet that this was a job with my potential. I studied like crazy, day and night, and many times I wanted to… quit. But there were results. I graduated with honors and after the third grade I passed the state exam in English…. The work brought results, just like I wanted. I taught English since high school. Thanks to this, various opportunities opened up for me, which significantly changed my life and brought me satisfaction. They gave confirmation from the outside world that I was OK. I felt better, more confident, I wanted to do more and more.
And so I completed three specializations at prestigious universities in Poland, while working and studying full-time.
I was a teacher, translator and HR specialist. I got married and together with my husband and son we moved to the countryside near Kraków.
Going high
Then, for over 20 years, I leaned my ladder against the walls of the world’s largest brands, working in HR, operations, training and development. All this time, I was improving my skills and competences.
I held high management positions, led global teams of several hundred people, training centers in the USA and the Netherlands and multi-million contracts. I completed management studies at Harvard Business School and countless other trainings. Development became my main value and fascination. At the same time, the greatest joy was and remains supporting the development of others.
I thought that in order to develop, feel fulfilled and improve the quality of my life, it was necessary to be willing to work in different time zones, work all night, shorten maternity leave after having children, commute several hours to the office, to kindergartens and schools, go on vacation with a work cell, constantly agree to expand the scope of responsibilities and take huge responsibility for finances.
I hoped that it was temporary, that this intensity would pass one day, and I would finally have more time for myself and my loved ones. I would rest, take care of myself and lead my dreams out of the parking lot. Who knows, maybe I would even start working the way I had always wanted to.
I often wondered if what I was doing was of sufficient value, if it was the best use of my skills, experience, if it was in line with my values, needs, beliefs and possibilities at that moment. I had the tools and knowledge, but I didn’t use them. The amount of work and responsibilities and their pace drew me into a vicious circle, I took it as it came. It came fast and hard.
Until… it was not without costs and harsh lessons, not only for me, but also for my family. As a result of the hard work, which was really an overcompensation, a way to protect my family from want, to provide them and myself with stability and my escape from my sensitivity… I burned out.
My body reached its limits and responded with illnesses. I underwent surgery and therapy. It was a stage of profound transformation. Such a bittersweet time, when I stopped and realized that it was 30 years later, just as I wanted it to be. And that I was far from those events, also just as I wanted it to be. But I was farthest from myself. From “my life”, because the one I had led up to that point seemed somehow parallel.
I discovered that I had spent most of those years pursuing someone else’s goals and priorities, that all my energy was directed outwards and I didn’t give it enough opportunities to regenerate. I was helped by my family, the habitat that my husband and I had created in the countryside, gardening, the forest, yoga, running, animals, music and creative flair.
Professional work was the only authorized type of development in my head, but often unplanned, chaotic and not in tune with me. It filled most of my life and I submitted to it and to the world.
Let's start again.
It was time to meet myself. I stopped and reevaluated a lot. I learned who I am and what I want to tell the world. I returned the energy to myself, and the world… adapted. Development – yes, but harmonious, thoughtful and taking into account who I am and who I want to become and what I need. Work – yes, but not at all costs. First I fill my cup, then I pour for others.
I have not given up on developing people, on the contrary, it remains my passion and mission coming from my heart and experience. I created the Feelharmonic brand to work with leaders on their sustainable professional and personal development and well-being in the broad sense. I put my foot in the door of people whose doors are slowly closing, separating them from their dream, balanced, good and happy world, and leaving them on the side of doubt, pressure, a sense of disorientation and loneliness.
I shared my story with you to show you that what happened to us often shapes us and has an impact on how we function today. I know that everyone has their own stories that they march with. These stories take us to different places, give us something and block something in us.
My story has caused me to work beyond my limits to never return to the place I found myself in as a child. This is my story. I’m sure yours is different. But know that your story doesn’t define you forever. You can write a new one…